


I'll find myself, I won't be lost again

by NatMatryoshka



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: A bunch of first times, Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode VIII what if, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Force Bond (Star Wars), Hands, Missing Scene, Reylo - Freeform, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-18 04:40:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13092600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NatMatryoshka/pseuds/NatMatryoshka
Summary: The first time he feels their connection, he's alone.The first time Rey comes closer to him, she doesn't know he will become so important to her.





	I'll find myself, I won't be lost again

The first time he feels their connection, he's alone.

Ben wakes up and everything around him seems strange, different from the world he knows: distant voices call one another, General Hux yells an order, then silence wraps his mind like a blanket, but something inside him keeps calling him. A muffled sound, gentle like water murmuring in a river.

The air is cold, his hands are warm inside the leather chrysalis of his gloves. He waits, and waits. Waits again.

Suddenly, the image of her hair, soft and brown and darkened by the night surrounding her, touches his hand. Rey sleeps peacefully in a stone hut with her bag as a pillow, while Luke Skywalker is somewhere else, the Force only knows where. Ben closes his eyes and after a moment observes him meditate, an old man bent down under the weight of the years, worn out by too many battles.

_He tried to kill you once!_ , that sentence is written on his uncle's wrinkled face. He breathes in, stares at the horizon as if he's searching for something, Ben can see him. He didn't answer to the questions Rey asked him days before, but it might be she's searching for those answers by herself. He betrayed her, like he had betrayed his nephew years before. The sound of a lightsaber waking up a drowsy young man. A twisted face. Angry eyes. Fear. Mistrust. He wanted to put an end to a menace, like a Jedi couldn't do, but what if a Jedi decides to save the Galaxy destroying a _monster_?

... _But you still can't kill him! You can't!_ A tear falls down from an eye, and now his mother’s face appears in his mind. Leia is sad, full of grief. The same grief she felt when Han Solo died, tears full of sorrow and regret. Ben wonders if she's talking to him or to his uncle, it doesn’t matter: her eyes pierce his soul, burn like a blaster wound. He clenches his fist.

_Don't trust him Rey, don't trust the Jedi, come with me, come with me, come..._

The whisper lightly touches her ears. She opens her eyes to discover the origin of that faraway voice, just in time to sense Ben’s stare on her skin. Rey shudders a bit and, for a second, Ben’s brown eyes meet hers, without a single sound, a word.

Ben disappears a moment after. She doesn’t know if she really saw him, or if his face was only part of another intricate dream.

 

 

*

 

 

The first time she discovers what rain is, Ben lives the moment with her.

He smiles: a scavenger from Jakku must be new to that. Drops of water from the sky, so much water, so different from the liquid she stored in her canteen. _A sort of magic, don’t you think Rey?_ He laughs. She seems offended, but that frown doesn’t last much: she’s too curious to be mad at him.

Rey’s hand stretches out to grab a drop, playing with it between her fingers. _Yay!_ shouts her mind, because sometimes she can really be loud as an annoying, adorable little baby. _Surprise._ She remembers sandstorms, people who got accustomed to the rough desert life and never even dreamed about so much water and greenery… she feels lucky. Takodana was beautiful and serene, Ahch-To means cold nights, struggles to find food, harsh landscapes, but it’s wonderful in its own way.

The rain falls down, bringing peace. She would like to dance beneath it, feel the drops wet her hair and slip down her neck. She desperately wants to laugh and open her mouth to drink every single one of them, yet she only touches her face with damp fingers, smiling.

Kylo Ren opens his palm: a droplet runs on the soft leather of his glove.

He touches it with his lips.

 

 

*

 

 

The first time she touches his bare hand, she doesn't almost breathe.

_He's only a boy_ , whispers a little voice inside her head. _He's only a lost boy_. _Let him touch your skin, your soul._ _Now he can't hurt you. Let him come close to you, like you accepted the Force, time ago_.

_Don’t be afraid, I feel it too_ , murmurs another voice, a sensual sound coming from her past. She was furious at that time, then a sense of victory makes its way in her mind: he was so vulnerable, in front of her, his knee bent as if she were a queen to honor. Now he’s fragile again, a grown-up child dressed in black, pretending to be a dreadful lord.

She doesn’t need to read his mind: Ben’s thoughts are right in front of her, running out from his long lashes. He’s… afraid? A part of him trembles at the simple idea she could refuse him, calling him a monster again like she did in the past, another one desperately waits for her answer.

“You are not alone”, it’s just a whisper but the man can hear it before Rey offers him her hand. It’s so soft and warm, colored by the flames that make the small hut home. He removes his glove, baring his skin. She wants to feel Ben Solo, not Kylo Ren.

“Neither are you”.

Her fingertips are so perfectly smooth his heart skips a beat. Jakku’s hard life has not marked the tender skin of her hand. Only a second passes, and Ben Solo, eyes both closed, starts to remember something about his past life, his family. Strong hands lulling him, soothing a young boy when he was injured. His father’s hands playing absentmindedly with a dice. His mother’s hands running through his hair. He wonders if Rey could sense that too, even if he doesn’t want to think about more questions.

He opens his eyes again, and the girl is right in front of him. Damp hair, a white shirt. A bright, yet almost timid smile on her face.

Ben desperately wants to add something, a sentence that would make that smile even brighter, something to make her stay forever in that hazy dream of his… until a voice stops them. Harsh, scared, worried, like it’s somewhat too late to save both of them.

His uncle Luke.

 

 

*

 

 

The first time she calls him by his old name, Ben, he doesn’t flinch. Not even a bit.

His mother used to call him like that. She was so gentle and beautiful, a strong woman dressed in white, a princess, a political leader. Leia was never at home, but every time her eyes met Ben’s ones, warmth filled his heart, along with the hope she could stop only if for a moment, to hold her son in her arms. _Play with me, mommy! I’m a Jedi master, and uncle Chewie is my new padawan!_

But she smiled sadly, caressing his hair with a distracted touch. A senator never had time for a child like him, and her mother was an important figure needed by the whole galaxy. And her son, too…

His father called him Ben before falling off the bridge. _You killed him. And Ben Solo too. Oh, my poor, stupid child, do you really think you can run away from me? You’re just a boy who dresses like his grandfather, a ridiculous imitation who will never be as great as him. You need me. My power, my gifts. Don’t deny it, Kylo Ren: come back to me. I’ll shelter you, like your family never did. I can make you stronger, powerful… kill your mother, don’t fail me this time. Kill the girl. Destroy the weak boy and I’ll give you the biggest prize, so much power you could never imagine, I’ll…_

“Ben.”

He shuts that cruel voice out of his head. Rey’s lips are so pale: maybe she’s cold because of her travel through space. He stares at them, at her delicate yet strong features, and her energy bursts into the elevator. He lowers his cautious eyes towards hers: galaxy and stars fill them.

She’s beautiful.

Snoke mutters some orders, but he can’t hear him. Not this time.

 

 

*

 

 

The first time they fight together, their backs are close. So close they can almost sense each other's thoughts, the rough touch of the fabrics scratching their skin.

_It’s warm_ , Rey thinks, and all the world around her turns red as the walls, then blue like her lightsaber, and white. Ben, behind her, swings his sword with a series of elegant movements. Hers are more precise now, different from the clumsy choreography she performed time before, in the forest: _didn’t you notice?_ whispers the same, tiny voice in her head. _Silly girl_.

_It’s like you two are the opposite sides of a coin. You can’t have one without the other. If Ben makes a move, you have to dance to his side. It’s your destiny._

_It’s the Force._

_A Force… bond, maybe?_

If she closes her eyes, the first sensation she perceives is Ben’s determination. He longs for fighting, for survival. He never wanted Snoke to hurt her. Teeth clenched, lightsaber in his fist, he jumps and then kills another guard, and his pace is so swift she can’t just follow his steps so easily. So Rey closes her eyes, letting her thoughts flow into their shared bond: _it’s going to be alright. I’m with you_. He doesn’t answer, but the Force gives her the certainty he understood.

They dance again: every movement is a new word for their language.

 

 

*

 

 

The first time they kiss, it’s at night.

Every voice is silenced, they’re alone. Totally alone.

At first, Rey think she’s living one of her chimerical dreams: Ben’s in front of her, lips slightly bent in a smirk, in spite of his pensive stare. A little part of her desperately craves for his hug, for another touch of his fingers… still, she sits in front of him.

She knows it’s not a dream.

“Rey”. Ben seems tranquil, like he has fully accepted his role as the new Supreme Leader. Yet he’s with her, stuck in that private room of their minds surrounded by suffused lights. It’s mesmerizing and strange, and Rey starts to feel attracted by that atmosphere.

“You’re here.” Her lips are dry. _Force, help me._

“It seems so.” Another smirk, and Ben comes closer. “You’re here, too. This means we share our connection again after all, don’t you think?”

Ben’s quiescent smile soothes her. The last time she saw him, his eyes were filled with all the grief and the sad resolution he carried in his heart, but now… he’s different. A bit melancholic, maybe.

“I hoped so” she confesses. “I really couldn’t believe it was Snoke who created all of this, but… I feared it could have been true. There was hope in me, still hope… I lived for years counting only on my hopes.”

Her susurration is hardly audible. At the same time, Ben’s voice raises a bit: old memories mixed with confusion, pain, the urgency of saying something, only a word…

“When you looked at me from the Falcon’s hold door, after the battle, I…”

With his lips so close to her, Rey knows she can’t go on with more, senseless words. A rush of electricity in her blood pushes her body forward: _what can I do?_ she asks to herself in a sort of prayer. _Can I hug him, make him forget everything? Can I melt in his arms, until I’ll forget my name and all I’ve seen in the cave? Can I kiss him before I cry, and then wipe away his tears?_

“Supreme Leader Ren?” someone asks, and the voice echoes in the hollow aisle. It’s too far to ruin their ephemeral moment of calm, but a bright light bursts inside Ben’s dark pupils. He caresses Rey’s cheeks lightly, then place his lips on hers with a gentle energy, as he’s scared of being interrupted by someone. She responds to his languid kiss and her lips are so soft, so delicate under his strong ones: after a moment she becomes accustomed to his movements.

A single tear falls from her eye and touches Ben’s cheek. She feels him smiling under their kiss; later on, he places his hands on her arms and hugs her.

His heart beat in a slow pace, a lullaby just for her. Rey closes her eyes and loses herself in the rhythm, never letting go her hopes.

“Will I see you again?” whispers. Maybe their destiny won’t be capricious next time. Ben places a kiss on her cinnamon hair and embraces her tighter, as if he wouldn’t want to let her go another time.

“Who knows? You can try. You know I will try too.”

The vision collapses, the night becomes black again, a black velvet embroidered with stars. Rey brushes her fingertips on her cheeks: the tear is still there, Ben’s warmth covers her arm like a blanket. She smiles.

The bond is still there. It shines dimly, like an iridescent, obstinate star.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this story after seeing The Last Jedi for the first time, because I desperately wanted to put some ideas for a little story down. I loved this movie so much, Rey and Kylo's scenes filled my heart with joy.   
> Thanks to my dear bae Ailisea, for beta-reading this story and for all her love and support. You're the best :3


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